Wednesday, July 22, 2009


I had a dream last night that leftover crack played at my ex-high school, I found treasures while garbage picking in front of an apartment building on my street (that doesn't exist), someone stole my doc martens and I had to wear two different-colored ones from two different people, I met my mom while stealing from a local supermarket, and that I found a baby crying in a water bottle. Either my subconscious is smoking crack-cocaine or my life is about to get really nuts.

I got up at two this morning and wore the boots to Target, just to kind of make sure they weren't lost. I hate chain stores and the like, but when you have to buy desk lamps, sheet sets, power strips, etcetera, they're essential. I felt like this is such a perfect metaphor for Fordham, or college at all, or maybe my whole life - necessary compromise. I don't have the chutzpah or the bollocks to make my own way in life, so I'm lightening the load via higher education. At least it'll buy me some time...

I'm at a point right now where everything is in flux, which is good and fucking terrifying. Most of the people I used to call my friends have either drifted away or proven themselves to be wildly incompatible with myself. The closest relationships I have are with my parents and with whoever I'm seeing (romantically) at the time, although when my novios and I break up, we don't talk or usually ever keep in touch at all, so that's limited. It's good to realize that in life, the most important relationship you have is that with yourself - I've come to realize that your self-respect and esteem are entirely central to your happiness and success. Relying on others to make your life happen or happy leads to inevitable disappointment. This doesn't mean loving, caring, and trusting are irrelevant - just that the respect you show yourself will make you strong and be there when the respect or love of others isn't.

In any event, I'm glad to have the people in my life that I have right now.


  1. That dream is insane! I always have crazy dreams and they're generally about sex. Where'd Freud when ya need him?

  2. tell me about it. although he thought approaching a house and opening a door was a metaphor for sex.