Saturday, October 24, 2009

several things that do not make you look like a new yorker

Having been born and having lived in the grand old big apple and raised in what's "affectionately" known as the 8th borough (NJ), I'm pretty sick and tired of seeing yuppies and college students try to blend in with the general populace of NYC (as if the original populace was even around anymore). Kiddies, doing the following doesn't make you look like a New Yorker, just the fake scum that you are:

1. Jaywalking
People in other cities wait for the lights to change to cross the street, not having the "devil may care" attitude of the quote-unquote tough, badass, hard New York citizens. This is partly true - I've been to L.A., Miami, Boston, D.C., Cleveland - people wait. That being said, WALKING IN FRONT OF CARS DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL/TOUGH. People who are actual New Yorkers don't pay attention to the cross walk symbols because our avenues/streets run in one direction and therefore do not merit the attention required at La Cienega, Calle Ocho, and Pennsylvania Avenue. If there is a car within 60 feet and you're crossing one lane, you go. If a taxi is 15 feet away from you, has the green light and right of way, and is going pretty fast, stepping out into traffic (as one less-than-street-savvy NYU student recently attempted) isn't cool, it's flat-out retarded. To anyone who takes issue with my political correctness - I do not care.

2. Wearing Black -
Oh god, you're wearing black, skinny jeans, and some kind of pathetic "reworked" (read: knitted, restyled, or otherwise less-ballsy) motorcycle jacket. I'm so afraid, you must be REALLY tough. Do you really think we don't see your blow out, your highlights, your makeup, your Gap jeans, your Guess top, your Forever 21 bag, your H&M accessories, your Victoria's Secret underwear, your Steve Madden shoes, your Nikes, your Adidas jacket, your London Fog umbrella, your Guido Palau haircut, your Chanel handbag, your Kova & T leggings, your Starbucks coffee, your Lucky Strikes, your Bic lighter, your Blackberry? People used to wear black in New York city because they had dark fucking souls and because it's the chicest thing since Diana Vreeland and because they listened to terrible music while smoking Galoises and drinking espresso (NOT pronounced "EXpresso," philistine). I don't care what Teen Vogue, Anna Wintour, and all the rest tell you - we can still see your conformist Abercrombie souls and we still hate you.

3. Having a Hard Attitude
People here who want to blend in or look cool ignore the crazies and the street people, even though they are visibly terrified and/or shocked by them. Dude, if you were really so used to this, you wouldn't be so obviously disturbed by, or hardened against, helping out someone who's been completely destroyed by our system. Instead of ignoring the sad old woman asking for change on the subway, middle aged black dude without any teeth singing blues on the Metropolitan Museum steps, or facial-tatted street kids on Second Avenue while rushing back to your Finnish Modern Design apartment (with Urban Outfitters artwork, PB Teen rugs, and some "clever" bullshit i dont feel like thinking of right now), why don't you forgo like, three ciggarettes, and do a little good for humanity? And seriously, theres nothing more obvious than when some homeless schiz person scares you by jumping out of an alley and then you try to put on this cool facade like "yeah whatever I'm a tough New Yorker if I can make it here I can make it anywhere I'm not shocked by anything Mommy please bring me back to Westchester/Nassau County/New Jersey" look.

4. Talking Loud on the Subway

Teenagers, and twenty/thirtysomethings, who want to look really AWESOME talk really loudly about what's going on in their lives/what cool party with a celebrity "dj" they went to/where they're going to spend money/whatever their goddamn personal business is, on the subway. NOTE: I am not impressed. I overheard some soulless yuppies on the 4 talking about "Hanging out in the L.E.S." and I almost throttled them. Don't you need to tend to your young children instead of snorting blow and pretending to understand conceptual art? Worst of all, absolute, absolute worst, is hearing you talk about "New York" as if it were some kind of far-off idea where Brittany Murphy kisses dudes under sheets of Egyptian cotton and anyone gives a shit about you. Please refrain from explaining the social rules of New York City or how it's changed to your visiting friends from, like, Akron. I'm sure they're wonderful people (probably more interesting than you, in fact), but your smug posturing and just ridiculously superficial understanding of this place infuriates me.