DMs

I had a dream last night that leftover crack played at my ex-high school, I found treasures while garbage picking in front of an apartment building on my street (that doesn't exist), someone stole my doc martens and I had to wear two different-colored ones from two different people, I met my mom while stealing from a local supermarket, and that I found a baby crying in a water bottle. Either my subconscious is smoking crack-cocaine or my life is about to get really nuts.

I got up at two this morning and wore the boots to Target, just to kind of make sure they weren't lost. I hate chain stores and the like, but when you have to buy desk lamps, sheet sets, power strips, etcetera, they're essential. I felt like this is such a perfect metaphor for Fordham, or college at all, or maybe my whole life - necessary compromise. I don't have the chutzpah or the bollocks to make my own way in life, so I'm lightening the load via higher education. At least it'll buy me some time...

I'm at a point right now where everything is in flux, which is good and fucking terrifying. Most of the people I used to call my friends have either drifted away or proven themselves to be wildly incompatible with myself. The closest relationships I have are with my parents and with whoever I'm seeing (romantically) at the time, although when my novios and I break up, we don't talk or usually ever keep in touch at all, so that's limited. It's good to realize that in life, the most important relationship you have is that with yourself - I've come to realize that your self-respect and esteem are entirely central to your happiness and success. Relying on others to make your life happen or happy leads to inevitable disappointment. This doesn't mean loving, caring, and trusting are irrelevant - just that the respect you show yourself will make you strong and be there when the respect or love of others isn't.

In any event, I'm glad to have the people in my life that I have right now.

summer project

this summer, I'm beginning a project on desire and its effects on society. I understand it's been researched at great length by almost everyone; I don't care. I'm going to be interviewing everyone i can get my hands on, so if you feel like it, give me a call or text at 973 970 4570

as well as lots and lots of this....

summer schedule

reading, reading, reading ze books, and more reading.

Life Decisions Make Me A Grumpy Gus

The bad part, in my opinion, about this whole college thing is that you don't know what the future is going to be like. Which obviously is a given in all situations, but makes planning this out so much harder. So many people seem to be happy leaving at 18 and becoming an artist/musician/creator-of-some-type. I don't want to be locked into some horrific job that I hate. I don't want to be locked into an Ok job that i can tolerate. For fuck's sake, i don't want to work! People say that those who are voluntarily jobless are just feeding off society, and bums, etc., etc., ... but maybe they're just not willing to take part in a plan that says school school school party work work work marry work work reproduce work work work work work work retire reminisce about youth when life was good golf DIE. I don't have a problem with people who choose this road - I'm just feeling really, incredibly boxed into it. And it's scary.

The other bad thing is that you can't really play this game both ways. If you want to live by your own rules, sleep late, fuck around, get tats, shave half your head, get bizarre and fun piercings, run your mouth, etc., it's difficult to find a nice job, a steady cash flow, and a comfy place to sleep. Similarly, if you're going to school, working, and doing all the bs activities and ass-kissing required to get into one of these places, you feel entirely fed up with yourself and sick of it all (Me). I've always been an individual thinker, but I'm completely pragmatic, and I'm also not overly dysfunctional or antisocial, so for a long time, I went along easily with things. It's like Dave Barry once said - the snake of adulthood swallows you inch by inch until suddenly you've gone from fun tymes and good music to pleated pants, paying bills, and thinking about private school for your kiddies.

The reassuring part is that you really can do what you want - as long as you don't want a lot of material things. Which matter a lot less to me now than they did a year ago. Thank the good lord in heaven. If he cares.

don't talk to frankie

unlesh you wanna get ko'd.

getting rowdy

June 11th, Leftover Crack in Baltymore. Anyone interested?

Below, a selection of photographs for your perusal. They're not mine, i got them on google.
I know most people aren't usually up for anything this incendiary, but this band truly tells it like it is. I don't want to kill any cops, but you got to love these people. And this band. And their politics. Whatever, just go with me.

also - shows on Friday, July 3rd (NYC) and Saturday, July 4th (Philly) - expect some flag-burning and ranting and good-timing.